Things all Jewish children know

“Jews did not lock their children in refrigerators.”
—Ann Patchett, The Magician’s Assistant

Reading this just now reminded me of Things All Jewish Children Know. This book, written by me, is four pages long. It goes like this:

Page One. Israel is a very small country surrounded on all sides by enemies. (Note: Don’t shoot the messenger.)

Page Two. One piece of matzah is worth three pieces of bread.

Page Three. Hanukkah is a very minor holiday.

Page Four: Appendix. Remarks of Cathy’s grandmother, lifelong resident of Flushing and Brooklyn, on the election of George W. Bush, 2000: “He’s no friend to the Jews, that’s for sure.”

Also, a favorite Philip Roth moment: Mickey Sabbath imagining his censorious New York Times obituary, including the subheadings Pig or Perfectionist?, First Whore Mean, and Did Nothing For Israel.